A RIAP FAIRY TALE

— by David Ho

One day, while I was out of town visiting my imaginary Silicon Mountain, I became restless. I wasn't sure why I felt that way so I began wandering around the base of my glass mountain. I looked up to the top and I saw someone up there! Apparently, he or she didn't notice me and quickly disappeared among the crystals. Suddenly, I felt the urge to try and climb the slippery, polished slope and try to find who that mysterious figure that I felt strangely attracted to was. Was that person part of the mountain I had created? Or was it some trespasser onto my imagination?
It was a very long and hard climb. I kept slipping all the way. There were dangerous, threatening shards of glass everywhere I looked. If ever I fell, I might have been sliced completely in two on some sharp edges! Even though it was all my imagination, still I didn't look back.
I finally made it up to near the top of the mountain where I had seen the mysterious figure. There was not a being to be found at the top of the mountain, but there was a sign posted that read:

"Beware of Goddess"

Said I, "Hmmm. Why should I be afraid of some deity? Isn't all this the creation of my own mind? I wonder if I can find her? Maybe she's cute."
And then, there was a flash of white light! I was blinded! But then in a second, the light dissipated and before me appeared the image of an angelic, not to mention amazingly cute, anime goddess!
Thought I, "Wow! What a cute goddess! I wonder if she's going to kill me?"
I spoke with caution (keeping in mind that this was an anime goddess I was addressing).
Spoke I, "O wise, mighty and extremely cute goddess of the mountain, please forgive my intrusion!"
She replied, "You flatter me! I am neither wise nor mighty."
I felt an uneasy sense of insecurity.
She continued, "Why do you seek me? Is it because I am pretty and cute?"
I began to panic! (Readers with girlfriends will immediately notice that there is no correct answer to that last question.)
I stalled for time.
I meekly stammered, "I-I don't know why."
Said the goddess, "Well, you were pretty stupid to climb all the way up here for nothing. And now you will have to die!"
Protested I, "Wait! But I don't want to die!"
Said the goddess, "That's why you're stupid. Don't you know who I am?"
Said I, "The cute goddess of my Silicon Mountain?"
Said she, "Cute, yes. But of your mountain, no. I am the one men seek when the torture of unanswered questions becomes so unbearable that life is no longer worth living. For I have all the answers of the universe! I know the meaning of your mortal life. I know what is beyond death. I know what is at the end of the universe. I have seen the beginning of time. There is nothing I do not know. If you seek answers, I will reveal them to you, but my price is high - you will pay with your life!"
Complained I, "But I don't have any questions for you! There are no great mysteries gnawing at me that I want the answers to! I don't want to know the meaning of life! I don't want to know what is beyond death. I don't want anyone to explain to me what really happened at the end of EVA! I don't care who's the best Sailor Senshi! Who would win in the battle between the SDF Macross versus The Enterprise? I don't care! Why can't I just go?"
Said she, "Didn't you read the sign?"
Groveled I, "But I didn't have enough time to think about it! Besides, that's a pretty weak sign you've got. It should have read something like 'Beware of fat, ugly anime fanboys with bad breath.' Then I would have left right away! But then you appeared! Just let me go! Please, I beg of you! I can't die here! I created this stupid mountain. It would be terribly embarrassing!"
Said she, "Stupid human. You wanted to find me! You were hoping I might be cute."
Said I, "How did you know?"
Tauntingly, she replied, "Remember? I know everything."
She continued, flippantly, "It's your own fault! You might as well ask something before I kill you. Otherwise, yours will have been a pathetic existence."
Begged I, "Isn't there any way you'd reconsider? Just once, didn't you let someone live? Aren't there any ways to bend the rules? I'm a producer! I can make a deal with you! Will you take the lives of three angry writers in exchange? I wouldn't mind getting rid of a few myself, actually."
Thundered she, "No!"